Teaching My Daughter She’s Enough

My daughter is a kind and thoughtful person. She is bright, caring, and has so much going for her. But when she looks at herself, she doesn’t always see the girl I see in her.

What she sees is the horrible comment a classmate made about her hair. Or the mole on her neck that someone pointed out one time, and now she won’t pull her hair up anymore. It doesn’t matter how many times she hears that she’s beautiful, smart, or capable. The negative sticks. The positive seems to just slide right off.

She puts a lot of pressure on herself. When things don’t go perfectly, she takes it hard. I have watched her try to mold herself into what she thinks other people want her to be, and it is hard to watch. As her mom, I want so badly to fix it for her. But I’ve learned that isn’t really how it works.

Here is what I have been doing instead.

Listen First

My first instinct is to jump in and say, “Don’t worry about them!” or “You’re perfect just the way you are!” And honestly, those things are true. But I’ve realized that what she needs first is to feel heard, not fixed.

So when she comes to me upset about something someone said, I try to just listen. I’ll say something like, “That sounds like it really hurt. I’m sorry.” I’m not agreeing with the insult. I’m just letting her know her feelings are real and they matter. That alone seems to make a difference.

Talk About More Than Looks

Of course, I tell her she’s beautiful, because she is. But I’ve made a real effort to go beyond that. I try to point out her kindness, her creativity, the way she shows up for her friends. I want her to know that her value isn’t determined by how she looks or by whether someone else thinks she’s pretty.

We talk about what it means to be a good person, a good friend, someone who does the right thing even when it’s hard. Those are the things I want her to measure herself by.

We also talk about what it means to have a good friend. She has some amazing friends, but she has had some “friends” make some mean comments to her. I have to remind her that if her friends don’t lift her up and make her feel better about herself, they most likely aren’t the greatest friends. I feel like I have to remind her about this a lot.

Let Her See Me Be Imperfect

This one has been the hardest for me. I’ve caught myself saying negative things about my own body or stressing over things not being “just right,” and I know she’s watching. Your children pick up on a lot of things, the positive but also the negative.

So I’ve been more intentional about letting her see me mess up and be okay with it. I’ll say out loud, “Well, that didn’t go the way I planned, but that’s okay.” I want her to see that you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. I need to believe that too. I need to be an example. Even we as adults can have negative comments affect our self-esteem.

Push Back on the Negative Thoughts, Gently

When she starts saying things like “I’m so dumb” or “Everyone thinks I’m weird,” I don’t argue with her. I just ask questions.

“What makes you say that?” “What’s one thing that went well today?” “What would you tell your best friend if she said that about herself?”

We’ve also talked about that critical little voice in our heads, the one that is way meaner than it needs to be. Sometimes putting a name to it, or just recognizing it as separate from who she actually is, helps her gain some distance from it.

Pay Attention to What She’s Seeing Online

Social media is a lot. Even just scrolling can quietly convince you that you’re not pretty enough, funny enough, or interesting enough. We’ve talked about being intentional about who she follows, unfollowing accounts that make her feel bad about herself, and finding ones that actually feel good.

Offline, I try to help her surround herself with people who see her for who she is. This year, she joined the marching band, and it has been really good for her. She found her group there. She calls them her “5’1″ Gang,” and watching her with those girls has been one of my favorite things. That kind of belonging matters more than I think we give it credit for. I have to remind her that these are her people and the friends who lift her up. This is who she needs to surround herself with.

Encourage Her to Try Things

One of the best things for self-esteem is proving to yourself that you can do something. I try to encourage her to take small steps, like joining a club she’s interested in, speaking up in class, or trying something new, even if she’s nervous. I remind her that she can do hard things. That she can be brave. When she does something hard, I always tell her how proud I am of her. I also asked her how she felt after she did something brave.

It doesn’t always go perfectly. But we talk about it. What did she learn? What would she do differently? The goal isn’t perfection. It’s just showing herself that she can try.

Get Help If You Need It

There is no shame in this. For us, we found Bend Health (bendhealth.com) and connected our daughter with a life coach through them. We give her that time as her own space to talk through the things she wants help with, like confidence, stress, and whatever else is on her mind. She really enjoys it and always asks to schedule more appointments. That tells me a lot. Sometimes, having someone outside of the family to talk to is exactly what a teenager needs.

Watching my daughter struggle with how she sees herself is one of the hardest parts of parenting. I can’t protect her from every unkind word. But I can keep showing up. I can keep reminding her of who she is. I can also remind her that life isn’t perfect, and you don’t have to be perfect; that doesn’t exist. And I hope that over time, she remembers our conversations and starts to see herself the way that I see her.